Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
