Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
