I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
