he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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