maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
