This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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