god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
