Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
