So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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