I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
