so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
