so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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