I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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