i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
