My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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