I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
