Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
