he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
