and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Randomize
