sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
