woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
