I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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