I cannot find my penis.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
