she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
