All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
