It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you will always have a special place in my vag
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
