Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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