Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
