Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
