i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
