I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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