I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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