im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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