Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
