are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
