I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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