What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
