You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you had me at cake vodka
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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