You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
