In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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