Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
