I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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