i need an iv and a liver transplant
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well I just put wine in my tea
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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