I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
