We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
