She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
