My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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