Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
