I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also, beer. Big fan.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
