I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
