Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
