His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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