pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
