On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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