remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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