you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
