it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize