I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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