My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
