I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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