Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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